Ask a Bogan: How to Office Xmas Party

Dear Bogans,

I’ve been at my current job for about 6 months and we have our Christmas party fast approaching. I haven’t really spoken to many of my colleagues yet so this will be a chance to make a first impression on them - I’m just hoping my alter ‘drunken’ ego doesn’t shine through. Any suggestions?


Clapham North


Ho, ho, ho.

You’ve come to the right place Pip.

First off, rule number 1 of Office Christmas party is drink as much as you can. This is your opportunity to take back a bit of compensation in exchange for the part of your soul the company has been sucking from you all year.

Rule number 2 of Office Christmas party is never be the drunkest. And there’s only one way to insure yourself against that, which is by getting someone else drunker.

Ideally you want to locate a work colleague that’s been going through some rough times recently and fuel that emotional time bomb by spiking their drink - a clear spirit works effectively, coupled with a bit of cheap speed. Rest assured you’ll be able to let your hair down knowing that you pissing in the filing cabinet will be overshadowed by the outbursts of your drunker colleague.

Rule number 3 - if at any stage you end up with a traffic cone on your person, abort. That signals the end of office Christmas party for you.

Look if it all goes to shit and you end up shagging a couple blokes from the accounts department in the back of a vauxhall, just get another job - if halfwits like Donald Trump can be a president, there’s hope for us all.

Merry Christmas sugar-tits,

The Bogans