Dear Bogans,
I feel unhappy and angry a lot of the time. I’m a trained dancer but I’m spending most of my time working at a strip club. Now with the Olympics on at the moment I can’t help but feel like a bit of an underachiever. I’ve recently booked in a session with a life coach and I regularly read all the life advice posts I can about how to be happy. Please help.
Candy, North London
Dear Candy,
You know who’s happy all the time? Crazy people.
Don’t get fooled by these false prophets peddling quick fire strategies to happiness - life is about being comfortable with a spectrum of emotions - happy, sad, bashful, sneezy, etc.
Your Grandma and Grandpa didn’t have bloody Buzzfeed or Wikihow telling them the '17 ways to a more fulfilling life' or the '9 daily habits of a wanker' or whatever. Instead they had tenacity, and an appreciation for not being a dick.
Being pissed off or un-happy is more productive anyway. I have the motivation of a bucket of custard when I’m happy but give me an axe to grind or the need to prove someone wrong and my determination is on par with that of a fat kid at an ice-cream buffet.
And as for these over-achieving Olympians, well you’re comparing yourself to a bunch of people who haven’t eaten a pizza since their 5th birthday. You, however Candy can eat pizza on every birthday. AND you have your own podium at the club!
At the end of the day, you’ll probably die with a mouthful of regret regardless of what you do but by the time you realise that, you’ll be about to die so who gives a shit.
So slip on that g-string with a renewed sense of self worth and get out there and strip! Strip like you’ve never stripped before.
Yours,
The Bogans
PS. On the off chance, do you dance at Platinum Lace on Tuesday nights?
Dear Bogans,
Thanks for the advice and yeah I do strip at Platinum Lace - been there for about a year now. Why?
Candy
Dear Candy,
No shit! Are you blonde with a crescent shaped birthmark on your upper left hip?
The Bogans
Dear Bogans,
YES! Do I know you?
Candy
Dear Candy,
HA! What’s the chances hey!?
Yeah you’ve given us a couple lapdances before. We were the guys who came in a few weeks ago in Spiderman costumes with a group of Japanese tourists and a homeless guy.
The Bogans
Dear Bogans,
OMG!!
You guys wrecked the place!
My colleague also wants her nurses outfit back.
You’re welcome back anytime though ; )
xxx
Candy.