Ask a Bogan: I'm pregnant

Dear Bogans,

After taking your advice in November, I got my drink on at our office Xmas party. Everything was going great until those last 5 shots and I ended up having sex in the toilets. Twice. With two different guys. The problem is, I'm now pregnant as a result and I'm not entirely sure which one is the father.

Fuck! What do I do?!

Karen (not my real name)

Dear Karen,

Woopsy! Sounds like someone over-dicked it a bit at the party! We're assuming Romeo and Romeo don't know about each other or the little bun in your oven so we reckon you've got 2 options:

1. Pick the bloke with the most going for him and tell him he's the one, or

2. Tell each of them individually on the sly that they've impregnated you and that they'll be the father.

We reckon option 2 is the way to go. Just think - when you squeeze the little love nugget out, you'll have  2 blokes that you can juggle for babysitting duties. Sure they might call it parenting and they might get attached but whatever, you can potentially get on with your life without actually having to raise the little poop factory miracle.

In fact, we would suggest considering sleeping with a third suitor ASAP to make it a 3 way split - three guys in shifts, each with a guilty conscience would just about do it in the baby raising stakes. 

It worked in that movie '3 men and a baby' - that baby grew up to become a school bus driver once she got off the crack. And if the movies have taught us anything, it's that men changing nappies is hilarious.

How exciting!

Love,

The Bogans

Ask a Bogan: How to Office Xmas Party

Dear Bogans,

I’ve been at my current job for about 6 months and we have our Christmas party fast approaching. I haven’t really spoken to many of my colleagues yet so this will be a chance to make a first impression on them - I’m just hoping my alter ‘drunken’ ego doesn’t shine through. Any suggestions?

Philippa,

Clapham North

Ho, ho, ho.

You’ve come to the right place Pip.

First off, rule number 1 of Office Christmas party is drink as much as you can. This is your opportunity to take back a bit of compensation in exchange for the part of your soul the company has been sucking from you all year.

Rule number 2 of Office Christmas party is never be the drunkest. And there’s only one way to insure yourself against that, which is by getting someone else drunker.

Ideally you want to locate a work colleague that’s been going through some rough times recently and fuel that emotional time bomb by spiking their drink - a clear spirit works effectively, coupled with a bit of cheap speed. Rest assured you’ll be able to let your hair down knowing that you pissing in the filing cabinet will be overshadowed by the outbursts of your drunker colleague.

Rule number 3 - if at any stage you end up with a traffic cone on your person, abort. That signals the end of office Christmas party for you.

Look if it all goes to shit and you end up shagging a couple blokes from the accounts department in the back of a vauxhall, just get another job - if halfwits like Donald Trump can be a president, there’s hope for us all.

Merry Christmas sugar-tits,

The Bogans