Ask a bogan: to swing or not to swing

Dear Bogans,

My long term girlfriend Emily and I are considering having a go at swinging. We’ve seen there’s a few clubs around town and we’re looking to try one out this weekend. Any words of advice before we get swinging?
Kentish Town

Dear Cameron,

I once had a pet hermit crab called Phillipé. I got him for my 9th birthday and thought he was just magical, the way he walked around with his house on his back all day – so funny. So, so funny.

Turns out Phillipé was a complete bastard. One day he got out of his cage and ransacked my room, eating all my hidden chocolate stash, turning all my draws upside down and stealing my entire life savings from my secret money tin. 

Thank the sweet lord baby Jesus my older brother just happened to be walking passed my room at the same time and was able to calm him down from his crazy crab frenzy and put him back in his cage.

What I’m getting at Cameron is sometimes what looks perfectly harmless on the outside is actually not… perfectly harmless. Sure, the idea of getting freaky with a room full of sexy strangers sounds like a hoot, but what if the sexy strangers are more Dom Joly than Angelina Jolie? And what if Sting’s there? Could you really perform your signature “Wam, bam thank you Cam” move when you’ve got Sting eyeballing you from across the room? 

Sexual experimentation is pretty normal – I once done a sex on a bus..., with all my clothes on. By myself. But I’m pretty open minded Cam so if you’re both as open minded as me, and you don’t mind some intense eye contact from Sting, then go get those swinging wings!

You’re welcome,
Bogan Trev