Ask a Bogan: I'm pregnant

Dear Bogans,

After taking your advice in November, I got my drink on at our office Xmas party. Everything was going great until those last 5 shots and I ended up having sex in the toilets. Twice. With two different guys. The problem is, I'm now pregnant as a result and I'm not entirely sure which one is the father.

Fuck! What do I do?!

Karen (not my real name)

Dear Karen,

Woopsy! Sounds like someone over-dicked it a bit at the party! We're assuming Romeo and Romeo don't know about each other or the little bun in your oven so we reckon you've got 2 options:

1. Pick the bloke with the most going for him and tell him he's the one, or

2. Tell each of them individually on the sly that they've impregnated you and that they'll be the father.

We reckon option 2 is the way to go. Just think - when you squeeze the little love nugget out, you'll have  2 blokes that you can juggle for babysitting duties. Sure they might call it parenting and they might get attached but whatever, you can potentially get on with your life without actually having to raise the little poop factory miracle.

In fact, we would suggest considering sleeping with a third suitor ASAP to make it a 3 way split - three guys in shifts, each with a guilty conscience would just about do it in the baby raising stakes. 

It worked in that movie '3 men and a baby' - that baby grew up to become a school bus driver once she got off the crack. And if the movies have taught us anything, it's that men changing nappies is hilarious.

How exciting!

Love,

The Bogans

Ask a Bogan: How to Office Xmas Party

Dear Bogans,

I’ve been at my current job for about 6 months and we have our Christmas party fast approaching. I haven’t really spoken to many of my colleagues yet so this will be a chance to make a first impression on them - I’m just hoping my alter ‘drunken’ ego doesn’t shine through. Any suggestions?

Philippa,

Clapham North

Ho, ho, ho.

You’ve come to the right place Pip.

First off, rule number 1 of Office Christmas party is drink as much as you can. This is your opportunity to take back a bit of compensation in exchange for the part of your soul the company has been sucking from you all year.

Rule number 2 of Office Christmas party is never be the drunkest. And there’s only one way to insure yourself against that, which is by getting someone else drunker.

Ideally you want to locate a work colleague that’s been going through some rough times recently and fuel that emotional time bomb by spiking their drink - a clear spirit works effectively, coupled with a bit of cheap speed. Rest assured you’ll be able to let your hair down knowing that you pissing in the filing cabinet will be overshadowed by the outbursts of your drunker colleague.

Rule number 3 - if at any stage you end up with a traffic cone on your person, abort. That signals the end of office Christmas party for you.

Look if it all goes to shit and you end up shagging a couple blokes from the accounts department in the back of a vauxhall, just get another job - if halfwits like Donald Trump can be a president, there’s hope for us all.

Merry Christmas sugar-tits,

The Bogans

Ask a Bogan: Finding happiness

Dear Bogans,

I feel unhappy and angry a lot of the time. I’m a trained dancer but I’m spending most of my time working at a strip club. Now with the Olympics on at the moment I can’t help but feel like a bit of an underachiever. I’ve recently booked in a session with a life coach and I regularly read all the life advice posts I can about how to be happy. Please help.

Candy, North London

Dear Candy,

You know who’s happy all the time? Crazy people.

Don’t get fooled by these false prophets peddling quick fire strategies to happiness - life is about being comfortable with a spectrum of emotions - happy, sad, bashful, sneezy, etc.

Your Grandma and Grandpa didn’t have bloody Buzzfeed or Wikihow telling them the '17 ways to a more fulfilling life' or the '9 daily habits of a wanker' or whatever. Instead they had tenacity, and an appreciation for not being a dick.

Being pissed off or un-happy is more productive anyway. I have the motivation of a bucket of custard when I’m happy but give me an axe to grind or the need to prove someone wrong and my determination is on par with that of a fat kid at an ice-cream buffet.

And as for these over-achieving Olympians, well you’re comparing yourself to a bunch of people who haven’t eaten a pizza since their 5th birthday. You, however Candy can eat pizza on every birthday. AND you have your own podium at the club!

At the end of the day, you’ll probably die with a mouthful of regret regardless of what you do but by the time you realise that, you’ll be about to die so who gives a shit.

So slip on that g-string with a renewed sense of self worth and get out there and strip! Strip  like you’ve never stripped before.

Yours,

The Bogans

PS. On the off chance, do you dance at Platinum Lace on Tuesday nights?

Dear Bogans,

Thanks for the advice and yeah I do strip at Platinum Lace - been there for about a year now. Why?

Candy

Dear Candy,

No shit! Are you blonde with a crescent shaped birthmark on your upper left hip?

The Bogans

Dear Bogans,

YES! Do I know you?

Candy

Dear Candy,

HA! What’s the chances hey!?

Yeah you’ve given us a couple lapdances before. We were the guys who came in a few weeks ago in Spiderman costumes with a group of Japanese tourists and a homeless guy.

The Bogans

Dear Bogans,

OMG!!

You guys wrecked the place!

My colleague also wants her nurses outfit back.

You’re welcome back anytime though ; )

xxx

Candy.

Ask a bogan: Mr Perfect

Dear Bogans,

I have been in and out of dead end relationships for 3 years now and am slowly giving up hope on ever finding a down to earth, loving, intelligent, cultured bloke. I go to museums, theatre bars and a bunch of other cultural places in the hopes I’ll find a kindred spirit who appreciates the things I do. Please help.

Olivia, Fulham

Dear Olivia,

Whoa, whoa whoa princess, you been watching way too many Disney movies. The chances of you finding a heterosexual man with all these qualities are as much as I have a chance of finding where the hell that M&M went that I stuck up my nose in the mid 90’s.

The thing is, even if you find Mr Perfect with all his perfect perfectionisms, you’ll eventually find something murder-inducingly annoying about his character - he’ll develop a gambling addiction, become a scientologist or even start doing that loud breathing thing through his nose. 

Look Olivia, they say money doesn’t bring happiness but the way I look at it, money will bring enough happiness for a long enough duration of time in the part of your life that you plan on actually being happy for anyway. 

All old people are grumpy bastards so why aim for finding a sustainable source of happiness to last ’til your dying day when you can just bank-roll your happiness for the next 30 or 40 years. By the time your old and realise the emptiness of it all, you’ll probably be numb from a drinking problem anyway.

Go for some cash laden bloke in an emotional rut and lift him up by his penis and wallet. Forget hanging around museums - try hanging out the front of a divorce lawyers office in a fancy part of town. You could stage a jogging fall or something. The first cashed up divorcee that walks out of that office and has the time of day to help you up has enough compassion to warrant marrying. 

We’re all looking for a full house in the poker game of life Olivia but it’s either play the hand your dealt, cheat or fold your hand and start collecting cats.

I trust you’ll make the wise decision.

Bogan Trev

Ask a bogan: to swing or not to swing

Dear Bogans,

My long term girlfriend Emily and I are considering having a go at swinging. We’ve seen there’s a few clubs around town and we’re looking to try one out this weekend. Any words of advice before we get swinging?
Cameron
Kentish Town

Dear Cameron,

I once had a pet hermit crab called Phillipé. I got him for my 9th birthday and thought he was just magical, the way he walked around with his house on his back all day – so funny. So, so funny.

Turns out Phillipé was a complete bastard. One day he got out of his cage and ransacked my room, eating all my hidden chocolate stash, turning all my draws upside down and stealing my entire life savings from my secret money tin. 

Thank the sweet lord baby Jesus my older brother just happened to be walking passed my room at the same time and was able to calm him down from his crazy crab frenzy and put him back in his cage.

What I’m getting at Cameron is sometimes what looks perfectly harmless on the outside is actually not… perfectly harmless. Sure, the idea of getting freaky with a room full of sexy strangers sounds like a hoot, but what if the sexy strangers are more Dom Joly than Angelina Jolie? And what if Sting’s there? Could you really perform your signature “Wam, bam thank you Cam” move when you’ve got Sting eyeballing you from across the room? 

Sexual experimentation is pretty normal – I once done a sex on a bus..., with all my clothes on. By myself. But I’m pretty open minded Cam so if you’re both as open minded as me, and you don’t mind some intense eye contact from Sting, then go get those swinging wings!

You’re welcome,
Bogan Trev

Ask a bogan: life hacks

1. Bears are flammable. If you’re ever attacked by a bear, simply set fire to them

2. Fix a cracked iphone screen by wiping vinegar on it

3. If you’re having trouble sleeping at night because you have murdered someone, stop murdering people and sleep peacefully

4. Make your weekly food shop a bit more amusing by doing it while wearing a bike helmet

5. You can hide bacon in most standard sized shirt pockets

6. You can get a free ride on London buses simply by having a staring competition with the driver when you get on. 

7. Add toothpaste to your cereal in the morning to save time on brushing

8. If you’re having a bad hair day, simply expose a breast or testicle to deflect attention

9. If you’re ever being mugged, do some Karate on them

10. Pretend you’re Morgan Freeman when checking into a flight and you might get an upgrade

Ask a bogan: hotdog walker

Dear Bogans,

My wife and I have been happily married for 18 months. Last year we bought a dog and recently due to our work loads, we’ve had to employ a dog walker. Problem is, our dog walker is really hot and I’ve got a bit of a crush. Each time she comes to pick up Flossy (our Labradoodle) we spend longer and longer talking and flirting. 

What should I do?
George, South Kensington

Dear George (from South Kensington with a Labradoodle named Flossy),

If you truly love your wife George you should probably put Flossy down. BUT we think that’s a little too extreme and I’m not sure how you’d go convincing a vet to do so. 

The thing is mate, us men are programmed wrong when it comes to braking off a flirty situation. Our penises are finely tuned to over-ride all sense of reasoning when there is even the slightest possibility of sexual reward so you need to trick your penis.

The most effective move in this scenario is to get her to be turned off by you, preferably disgusted by you so you can suspend 'penis-brain automatic over-ride mode' long enough to take control.

You could try getting obese or quit brushing your teeth? There may be side effects of type 2 diabetes or tooth cancer so think this through before committing to either of them. 

Or you could just fire hotdog walker and walk the dog yourself?

You see George, as a wise man once said, getting a dog is a bit like marriage – sure, both involve dealing with shit at times but you know what you were getting yourself into from the start and just like marriage George, sometimes you need to make a little more time to maintain what you started. 

Good luck Georgey boy,

Bogan Trev

Ask a bogan: comfort zones

Dear Bogans,

I'm a regular guy who does data analysis for a software company and I've managed to land a date with this girl who is way out of my league. Problem is I may have given her the wrong idea about my financial status when we met at a bar in Chelsea and we're meant to be going out next Tuesday. Help!

Paulo, Earlsfield

Dear Paulo,
We've all punched above our weight in the past mate but as the great man Billy Ocean once said "get out of my dreams and into my car". What Billy was trying to say through the majestic medium of 80's R&B was borrow your Mums car and make that dream girl yours. Or something like that. We dunno, we only really know the chorus.

Anyway, what you need to do Paulo is play this one like the unpredictable, impulsive, data analysing tiger that you are. Hot Chelsea girl is used to blokes haemorrhaging cash around her so try something different. Take her out of her comfort zone... 

Why not take her shoplifting? It's exciting, kind of retro and you can make it into a team sport. Who knows, you may just cement a relationship around it as you thieve your way into each others hearts and wouldn't that be a far more interesting story to tell the kiddies?

You're welcome Paulo, you're welcome.

Bogan Trev

Ask a bogan: housemate stalemate

Dear Bogans,
I’ve recently moved in with my best friend who I’ve known since primary school. The problem is she will not do any dishes or any housework at all. I love her to bits but it's starting to annoy me so much that I'm scared I'm going to flip out and say something that might ruin our friendship. Any advice?

Michelle, Fulham

Hi Michelle,

Up until now, you've been doing everything, right? Washing the dishes, hoovering, scrubbing the bath and maybe even picking up her dirty undies? Well, it's time to stop all that and play the "I can live in a cesspit longer than you" game - it’s kind of like Jenga but you stack filth on top of filth.

Just stop doing all forms of housework and let the crap build up around you. No matter how bad it smells or how sticky things get, DO NOT TIDY UP ANYTHING. It's an endurance sport, Michelle. She’ll eventually have to step up the household duties or she might just carry on, oblivious to the cockroach infested pit your flat has become*.

But remember: DON'T TIDY ANYTHING. And certainly don't talk to her about the problem. That would just be awkward.

Bogan Trev

Ask a bogan: directions

Dear Bogans,

I’ve had an ongoing flirty relationship with a hot guy at work and I think its getting close to going to the next level. I’m fine with that but I’m only in it for a good time and I really don’t want to confuse him into thinking its more. I’m supposed to be leaving for a training weekend in Bath on Friday and he’ll be staying in the same hotel – I don’t know what to do!?

Geraldine, Clapham.

Hi Geraldine,

We’re not sure what the problem is here? Bath is an easy 90 minute journey from London Paddington via train which run all day on Friday, or you can drive by car along the M4 or M5 motorways. You could also take the coach from Victoria station, which is cheaper but its takes a bit longer. Don’t forget to pack your sexy undies and don’t worry about hot guys feelings – us blokes have this ability to just bounce back after being used for sex.

Enjoy!

Bogan Trev

Ask a bogan: man-up

Dear Bogans,

My mate Gavin has been really involved with a new bird on the scene in the past month and I feel the problem is our friendship has taken a back seat to her.

Please advise.

Phil, Battersea

Dear Phil,

Man the fuck up and stop watching so much Oprah. Ever think that maybe the problem is you being so bloody needy? He’s in the early and highly sexual (yet temporary) phase of a new relationship. We advise YOU go do something manly this weekend and stop being such a winging little sissy. Shovel a barrow of sand, get down the pub and swear at the footy, get lost and ask absolutely no one for directions – just something to boost the testosterone levels a bit princess. You know the saying bro’s before ho’s? Well Tupac was wrong Phil, it’s not that cut and dry – sometimes it’s ho’s and sometimes it’s bro’s and right now it’s a bit more ho’s than bro’s, bro. He’ll be back, just give it time.

With love,

Bogan Trev

Ask a bogan: flat martyr

Dear Bogans,

Recently one of my flat mates has given the all clear for her friend to stay on the couch. He has now been camping in our living room for over a month and the couch smells of his farts.

Please help!

Katie, Kentish Town

Dear Katie,

A simple garden hose would easily solve this problem and give the couch a good once over too, but failing that, have you tried sleeping with him? That way you get your couch back and you've isolated the problem to your own bed, giving your flatmates the common space back. You'll be like a flat share martyr! Then all you need to do is carry this on for a few months and break up with him. He'll then be forced to leave. Or possibly move back to the couch. Might be an idea to that garden hose.

Yours sagely,

Bogan Trev