Ask a bogan: Mr Perfect

Dear Bogans,

I have been in and out of dead end relationships for 3 years now and am slowly giving up hope on ever finding a down to earth, loving, intelligent, cultured bloke. I go to museums, theatre bars and a bunch of other cultural places in the hopes I’ll find a kindred spirit who appreciates the things I do. Please help.

Olivia, Fulham

Dear Olivia,

Whoa, whoa whoa princess, you been watching way too many Disney movies. The chances of you finding a heterosexual man with all these qualities are as much as I have a chance of finding where the hell that M&M went that I stuck up my nose in the mid 90’s.

The thing is, even if you find Mr Perfect with all his perfect perfectionisms, you’ll eventually find something murder-inducingly annoying about his character - he’ll develop a gambling addiction, become a scientologist or even start doing that loud breathing thing through his nose. 

Look Olivia, they say money doesn’t bring happiness but the way I look at it, money will bring enough happiness for a long enough duration of time in the part of your life that you plan on actually being happy for anyway. 

All old people are grumpy bastards so why aim for finding a sustainable source of happiness to last ’til your dying day when you can just bank-roll your happiness for the next 30 or 40 years. By the time your old and realise the emptiness of it all, you’ll probably be numb from a drinking problem anyway.

Go for some cash laden bloke in an emotional rut and lift him up by his penis and wallet. Forget hanging around museums - try hanging out the front of a divorce lawyers office in a fancy part of town. You could stage a jogging fall or something. The first cashed up divorcee that walks out of that office and has the time of day to help you up has enough compassion to warrant marrying. 

We’re all looking for a full house in the poker game of life Olivia but it’s either play the hand your dealt, cheat or fold your hand and start collecting cats.

I trust you’ll make the wise decision.

Bogan Trev